Content warning: cannibalism, implied gore
a one-act in 5 scenes
Dramatis Personae
VALENTINE, here known as VAL (they/them): A dreamer, a plotter, a schemer; a bit grandiose, a bit pretentious, but charming about it. In another life, they would have been an excellent gentleman thief (gender-neutral).
KEZ (they/them): Val’s better half. The pragmatist to their dreamer, though when they point out the holes in Val’s grand schemes it’s because they’re going to offer up a way to patch them.
Adults; peers; agender. Exact ages flexible.
Notes on Staging
Barebones is the name of the game. Minimal set (a table, chairs), minimal props (a notebook, a d100 pair of 10-sided dice). Simple costumes. At top of show: preset the table and chairs; set the notebook and dice on the table, plainly visible.
I. We meet our players
[LIGHTS UP on KEZ and VAL, sharing space. They’ve clearly been together for a long time and friends for even longer. The conversation covers well-trodden ground.]
KEZ: I’m bored. You want to do something?
VAL: [perks up, picks up the notebook] It wounds me that you feel the need to ask. Number 35?
KEZ: We did that one last week. But along those lines… 64?
VAL: The weather won’t be optimal for another three months. 51.
KEZ: [an old inside joke] Nope, still illegal. Try again.
VAL: [continuing the bit] Alas. We eagerly await the slow, steady march of progress. [grandiose] Then it must be… number 27. [a little flourish]
KEZ: I don’t think you’ve shown me that one yet.
VAL: I only finished it yesterday. Would you like to hear the details now or as we go? [begrudging] I promise no laws will be broken.
KEZ: I trust you. What’s first?
VAL: First, we must depart to a secondary location. You have train fare?
KEZ: Of course. I knew we were spending all day together. Enough for us both. [The following lines continue as both exit]
VAL: Excellent. We begin at the art museum—
KEZ: [suspicious] I’m holding you to that “no laws will be broken.” They just lifted the suspension on our membership—
VAL: [mock-scandalized but genuine] I would never break a promise to you, my dear. We begin at the art museum, where a reliable source assures me they have very recently acquired an original Mary Cassatt… [fade out]
[BLACKOUT]
II. A setup
[LIGHTS UP on VAL starting their morning. KEZ enters.]
KEZ: Val. Val Val Val Val Val—
VAL: Kez. Darling. Love of my life. It is 7 am. Please stop. [beat] (Thank you.) What’s got you this excited this early? …Is there a new farmer’s market somewhere we need to go to?
KEZ: Number 51.
VAL: [baffled but rolling with it] Still illegal—
KEZ: Not anymore!
VAL: [unintelligible stammering]— you mean— cannibalism?
[BLACKOUT]
III. negotiations; we learn exactly what #51 entails
[LIGHTS UP on KEZ and VAL, a few days later, in the middle of an argument]
VAL: —the fact that it’s in the book does not establish some cosmic mandate that we must do it, remember this whole thing only started as a way to simplify date night planning—
KEZ: Why is it in the book if we’re never going to do it? God, if the whole time you were just, off on a flight of fancy again… And let’s not forget the fact that—
VAL: I cannot help it if—if your sensibilities tend a little less fanciful than mine. Furthermore, in an entire book’s worth of schemes up to my standard, we were going to run out of fully realistic ideas at some point—
KEZ: Again with your oh-so-very-high standards! And as I was saying, let’s not forget the fact that this one was your idea first, so I don’t understand what the problem is—
VAL: AS A BIT, I never thought you would take it seriously—
KEZ: [smaller; deeply hurt] I always take you seriously.
[beat]
VAL: [calm] Kez, number 51 is the one where I eat you.
KEZ: And? We always said it’d be the last one we did.
VAL: …because, and I cannot emphasize this enough, you would die?
KEZ: [challenging] And?
VAL: [disbelieving stare] You know what… allow me to propose a compromise.
KEZ: [almost as an aside] This’ll be good.
VAL: [fond, despite themself] Shut up. [takes a moment] There are one hundred schemes in the book. The sudden legality of number 51 does not necessitate urgency. What if… we simply leave 51 for the absolute last? Exhaust every other scheme. Check off the entire list, before we go to extremes.
KEZ: No deal. I know you. You’d write and rewrite and add on until we spent an eternity completing the rest of the book. Counter-proposal: [picks up the dice; perhaps with a fidget or a flourish] let the dice decide. We choose randomly every time we use the book. It’s a one percent chance, we’ll have plenty of time before it comes up.
VAL: …repeats allowed?
KEZ: Sure, repeats allowed. Deal?
VAL: [reluctant] Deal.
KEZ: Oh, don’t make that face. [teasing] You know you want to.
VAL: [laughing] Don’t make it weird, love.
[BLACKOUT]
IV. The dice decide
[LIGHTS UP on a brief MONTAGE of KEZ and VAL entering, rolling, calling out numbers, and exiting. Use lighting/sound cues and/or small additional costume pieces (eg hats, sunglasses, jackets) to show time passing. (Actors should return to base costume after montage.) Intersperse one or two quiet moments of the two simply existing together: dancing, cuddling, engaging in parallel play. Consider using MUSIC to break up the repetitive or absent dialogue.]
[MONTAGE ends; KEZ and VAL enter. The d100 procedure has become fully mundane and routine; a large amount of months/small amount of years has passed.]
KEZ: Do we wanna roll today?
VAL: Oh, why not. Would you like to do it or shall I?
KEZ: [gesturing to the table] The honor’s all yours.
[VAL rolls the d100. Their face freezes; meanwhile, KEZ lights up]
KEZ: YES! Finally, 51!
VAL: I— I don’t— it’s never 51.
KEZ: Because the dice are loaded.
VAL: [too surprised to lie] Yes, because the dice are— what? When did you realize?
KEZ: Months ago. Which is why I swapped them out for fair ones. Months ago. [gently] You had that little faith in the 1% odds?
VAL: Does that surprise you? [a fortifying breath] I promised you we’d follow through, so follow through we must.
KEZ: [trying to contain their glee; not fully succeeding] Time to commit to the bit. [beat] You know I love you, right?
VAL: Always.
[VAL kisses the back of KEZ’s hand.]
VAL: You need only name the time. I’ll take care of the preparations. [beat] I love you, too. Always.
[BLACKOUT]
V. end
[LIGHTS UP on VAL and KEZ. VAL looks up from where they were tearing into KEZ’s dead body with their teeth]
VAL: Before you say anything, this isn’t sexual.
[beat]
Ah. Should have anticipated that. I am being sincere, for what it’s worth.
[their focus returns to KEZ’s body]
For as long as I’ve loved you, I wanted to devour you. To feel your skin give way between my teeth, bury my face in the cavern of your abdomen and eat and eat and eat until I could lap the bones clean. It wasn’t possessive, or even necessarily violent… I don’t— I only—
Did you know that when a whale dies, it becomes an ecosystem? I wanted that for us. Your carcass gigantic on the ocean floor, and I the fish peeking out between your ribs. The mats of fungi breaking your fat into wax. The crittering bugs nibbling the last of your marrow, building empires in the honeycomb of your bones.
I wanted to curl up inside you and make a home there. To be in and of you, forever. [reflective] A shame that human bodies float.
[turning focus back to the audience; they get down on the floor, HOUSE LIGHTS come up]
And you. You saw where this was going and yet you stayed. You had a chance, you know, when the lights went out for the last time. Could have slipped out the back and no one would have to know.
I’m not judging, of course. [a delicate burp] Hypocrisy is good fun every now and again, but that would be too much. I’m simply curious.
Did you not believe us? Were you hoping for a different ending? Or did you want to see just how far we would go?
[beat]
Here’s a funny story: I may be the plotter and the schemer, but the book itself was Kez’s idea. They’re always the one to encourage me to dream, not bigger per se, but bolder. To leave fewer plans on the page and bring more into reality. A kite will never fly so well as when it has someone on the ground to guide it.
Isn’t that right, Kez? [fully turn to look]
[long, long beat]
[BLACKOUT]