Content warnings: Multiple references and depictions of mold; a character goes missing and authorities avoid questions about it; authorities neglecting building safety and disregarding resident concerns; mentions of cleaning blood stains; implied gore involving a washing machine (not described); theft of personal property. See the bottom of this page for more detailed content warnings, shown in pink.
SUBJECT LINE: Laundry Room Usage Guidelines
Dear residents of Welder Hall,
As we return for another year at our university, we would like to remind you of the guidelines for using the laundry room. Please review these guidelines carefully, as any missteps may cost you more than a pair of socks. For your convenience, a copy of these guidelines is also posted outside the laundry room.
Guidelines for Laundry Room Use
- Please retrieve your laundry in a timely manner when it is finished washing or drying. The University is not responsible for any items lost in the time between completed wash and dry cycles.
- Some reminders for use:
- The washing machines can only wash on Cold. Other options, if pressed, will run a cycle lacking water.
- Please do NOT use the tumble dry feature on the dryers. The button is taped over for a reason.
- For your own safety, we do not recommend using any products that include table salt (sodium chloride) in the washing machines.
- The laundry room is only open from the hours of 9:00 AM-12:00 PM and 2:00 PM to 12:30 AM, or to 2:30 AM on weekends. Please respect the lunch break in between these very reasonable working hours.
- As per the building contract, the University is not liable for any damages you may incur upon yourself or your personal belongings while you are in the laundry room.
- Not reading the laundry room usage guidelines is NOT an excuse for not washing your clothes. Likewise, reading the laundry room usage guidelines is also NOT an excuse for not washing your clothes.
We hope you have an excellent start to your school year! Remember, if you have any questions, you can always make an appointment or stop by our office, assuming you can find it.
Best wishes,
The Welder Hall College Staff
SUBJECT LINE: Inquiry about mold in Laundry room
Hi, can someone explain to me why there’s a spot of mold in the laundry room that a) no one has seemed to notice, b) can’t be removed by physical or chemical force (I have tried), and c) appears to be growing every time I do my laundry??
My roommates told me they can’t see it, but I swear it’s there. Photo attached. Please believe me. I can’t sleep for fear of seeing mold in my dreams.
One more thing: does anyone know why the laundry room smells like that if you go in after 2pm?
[Image attachment: Mold on a tiled floor. It is bright yellow, shaped like an open mouth. Growing.]
Re: Inquiry about mold in Laundry room
Oh… I wouldn’t worry about it.
Regards,
Morel
SUBJECT LINE: Lost socks in dryer, please return
If you took my socks from the dryer last night at 8pm, please bring them back to me. It’s getting cold and I cannot just wear my Crocs without any socks. Thank you.
All my best,
My
Re: Lost socks in dryer, please return
how many socks did you lose
Sent from my iPhone
Re: Re: Lost socks in dryer, please return
About fifty pairs. Thank you for your concern. I still have two pairs of fuzzy socks which will do for now, so no need to worry!!
My
Re: Re: Re: Lost socks in dryer, please return
i wasn’t planning on it
Sent from my iPhone
SUBJECT LINE: Orange juice stain and laundry poster
So, I spilled some orange juice on my favorite sweatshirt 🙁 There used to be a poster in the laundry room with instructions for cleaning different types of stains, but now it only says how to get blood stains out. The rest of it’s been covered by a layer of yellow fuzz?
I am confused, and now smell like citrus. Any advice would be appreciated.
Sincerely,
Clem
[Image attachment: Poster on laundry room wall titled “How to Remove Any Kind of Stain”. The poster has been covered with clumps of yellow threads, leaving only the instructions for how to remove blood stains visible.]
Re: Orange juice stain and laundry poster
First, soak your shirt in water mixed with a bit of detergent and white vinegar. Then, clean the stain with a sponge and rubbing alcohol. Make sure you rub from the center of the stain to the edge. Soak again in warm water, and if the stain is still there after half an hour, throw it in the wash with bleach.
If you can’t get what you need (white vinegar, rubbing alcohol, bleach) from the University Store or CVS, let me know and you can borrow from me. Check your labels, since you will not want to use anything with salt in it (if you live in Welder anyway). Good luck!
Re: Re: Orange juice stain and laundry poster
It worked! Wow, this email list really is good for something!
Clem
SUBJECT LINE: Fall sale slides
Doing a little fall sale! Clothes are mostly sizes L and M. All prices negotiable!
[Attachment: Slideshow of a mix of items on sale. Slides 10-15 are of clothing with the caption, “Left these in the dryer a little too long, started growing mold. You know how there are spores in the lint filter sometimes. Perfect for a fall-themed fit!”]
SUBJECT LINE: ***URGENT*** why does the laundry room smell like oats
what it says in the title
Sent from my iPhone
Re: ***URGENT*** why does the laundry room smell like oats
Are you sure it’s not your nose that smells like oats?
Regards,
Morel
Re: Re: ***URGENT*** why does the laundry room smell like oats
Check your pockets.
Cheers,
Mil
SUBJECT LINE: who put oats in my pockets
you might think you’re funny, but you’re not
Sent from my iPhone
[Image attachment: Blurry photo of a hand reaching out of a skirt pocket, palm filled with oats.]
SUBJECT LINE: Fwd: ON SALE NOW! Laundry Room Deodorizer Pack
Who told them?
——–Begin forwarded message——–
[Attachment: University Store newsletter promotion of new product, Laundry Room Deodorizer Pack. “Freshen up the air in your laundry room! Eliminates odors from food, mold, oats, and more, for up to 50 days! Laundry room sold separately.”]
Re: Fwd: ON SALE NOW! Laundry Room Deodorizer Pack
Can I get like twelve of those though?
SUBJECT LINE: Receipt from University Store
Order # 13239
Thank you for your purchase!
Laundry Room Deodorizer Pack x 12
[View entire message]
SUBJECT LINE: Email Best Practices Reminder
Dear residents of Welder Hall,
We hope this email finds you well. We are emailing today to pass along some reminders about best practices for email writing.
When crafting your email, be sure that your message adheres to the following:
- Include an informative but concise subject line. Refrain from using words such as “Urgent!” or “Important!” unless the subject matter of your email is, in fact, urgent.
- Begin your email with a greeting to the group you are addressing. For example: “Hello,” “Greetings,” or “To whom it may concern” (rather formal, but still appropriate).
- Inappropriate email greetings include: “What’s up email enjoyers” (too informal), “For everyone EXCEPT FOR JONATHAN” (too ominous), and “Salutations, fellow sailors” (we are not a maritime institution)
- Likewise, end your email with a closing that includes your name. For example: “Sincerely,” “Thank you,” “Best wishes” (or simply “Best”), “Cheers,” and so on.
- Inappropriate email closings include: “Smell ya later, alligator” (too informal), “Everything rots eventually” (too ominous), and “Still have your key card?” (a sensible reminder, but not an appropriate email closing)
- The body of your email should be polite, professional, and to the point. Use correct punctuation and grammar, and minimize using all capital letters.
- DO NOT REPLY ALL unless ABSOLUTELY necessary.
Please keep in mind that we expect a certain level of professionalism for all emails sent within the Welder Hall community. There is a large influx of emails sent to the list every day, so we encourage you to use discretion in choosing what you would like to be sent to the inboxes of the entire hall of residents.
We would like to remind you that the Welder Hall email list is NOT a social media platform.
Warmly,
The Welder Hall College Staff
SUBJECT LINE: Hypothetical scenario
Hi everyone,
How would one, hypothetically, get blood stains out of clothing, hypothetically?
Thanks,
Peny
Re: Hypothetical scenario
Go to the laundry room, and look at the poster. Hope this helps!
Re: Re: Hypothetical scenario
Worked like a charm!
Peny
Re: Re: Re: Hypothetical scenario
Hypothetically, I mean.
Peny
SUBJECT LINE: Socks still missing, please return
My socks are still missing. Again, it was about fifty pairs of socks, mostly crew socks. Should be hard to miss.
If you have my socks, please return them. No hard feelings. I know it’s cold out there.
All my best,
My
SUBJECT LINE: do NOT check the third washer in the laundry room
you will thank me later
Sent from my iPhone
Re: do NOT check the third washer in the laundry room
I’m really enjoying this email saga about the laundry room. Looking forward to more developments soon.
Best,
Wes
Re: Re: do NOT check the third washer in the laundry room
Wes are you in Second College???
– Brie
Re: Re: Re: do NOT check the third washer in the laundry room
Nope, just on all the res college email lists! 🙂 This is how I get my entertainment while I’m waiting for the next season of the Kardashians.
Best,
Wes
Re: Re: Re: Re: do NOT check the third washer in the laundry room
Please turn on your email filters…
– Brie
Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: do NOT check the third washer in the laundry room
Hey guys can we please stop spamming the email list with stuff about the laundry room, just follow the guidelines and you’ll literally be fine. This is my third year living in Welder and I’ve had no problems so far.
And just so everyone knows, I don’t know what people are talking about with the laundry room smelling like oats. I think it smells fine. Nice, even. A subtle, sort of nutty smell.
Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: do NOT check the third washer in the laundry room
Update I was wrong do NOT look in the third washer
SUBJECT LINE: 👁️ 👁️ 🔎 ❓ 🔎 ❓
HAS ANYONE SEEN OUR ROOMMATE?
Automatic reply: 👁️ 👁️ 🔎 ❓ 🔎 ❓
[Your message has been marked as Spam. Please note that messages that include excessive capitalization or excessive emojis in the subject line may be more likely to be marked as spam.]
This is an AUTOMATED RESPONSE; please do not reply to this message.
SUBJECT LINE: help
Hey can someone tell me how to get coffee stains out of my clothing urgent
Re: help
Pretty much the same as the orange juice issue from a while ago: rinse in a mix of water, detergent, and white vinegar. Then clean with a sponge and rubbing alcohol.
If the stain is still there after soaking in warm water for half an hour, throw it in the wash with bleach. (Again, if you live in Welder, do not use any products with salt in them.)
If you need supplies, let me know and you can borrow from me. Not too much though, I’m running low on stock myself.
Re: Re: help
Thanks, it helped. You should make a blog or something
SUBJECT LINE: Please fill out my survey for class!
Hello! I’m writing a paper for my class about human-nature interactions in built environments, specifically about people and mold. If you have had any experiences related to this topic, please fill out this short survey. It should take about 5 minutes to complete.
I have nothing to give you except my undying gratitude.
[Website link: Form titled “Breaking the Mold: Human-Mold Interaction Survey.” At the top of the form is a close-up image of oozing pink blobs on a rotting log, edited so that all of the blobs have smiley faces drawn on them.]
Re: Please fill out my survey for class!
Does whatever’s in the laundry room count?
Re: Re: Please fill out my survey for class!
Sure! At this point, I’ll take what I can get.
Re: Re: Re: Please fill out my survey for class!
Wait, what do you mean by that?
Re: Re: Re: Re: Please fill out my survey for class!
oh to be blissfully unaware
Sent from my iPhone
SUBJECT LINE: Email List Update
Hello students,
Due to an influx of messages to the res college email list, we have suspended activity of all emails not approved by the college. Beginning today, all emails must be verified by our newly hired office staff before they are distributed to the list at large.
We hope you are enjoying the fall weather. There is a cold front coming.
Best of luck,
The Welder Hall College Staff
SUBJECT LINE: Important !
Has anyone seen our roommate? She left the room to do laundry and hasn’t come back since.
Her computer is still running the same while loop…
SUBJECT LINE: Automatic reply: Important !
[Your message is pending approval by the Welder Hall college staff. Please wait as our office reviews your email.]
This is an AUTOMATED RESPONSE; please do not reply to this message.
SUBJECT LINE: Sock puppet show this weekend! 🧦🎭
Need more socks in your life?
Looking for a sock-filled study break?
Want to find out if socks can sing?
Come to our sock puppet show! It’ll rock your socks off, we promise!
[View entire message]
Fwd: Come see our sock puppet show! 🧦🎭
Hey My, aren’t these your crew socks?
Cheers,
Mil
——–Begin forwarded message——–
Re: Fwd: Come see our sock puppet show! 🧦🎭
No fucking way.
All my best,
My
SUBJECT LINE: Re: Maintenance Request: Welder Hall Laundry Room
Hello,
Thank you for your request. The Welder Hall laundry room is outside of our jurisdiction as Facilities Services, so we cannot service any laundering units nor remediate any mold located within that area.
If you have questions regarding this reply, you may contact us through phone, email, or at our office during regular business hours. Assuming you can find it.
Have a good day,
University Facilities
Re: Re: Maintenance Request: Welder Hall Laundry Room
WHAT
Re: Re: Re: Maintenance Request: Welder Hall Laundry Room
Please disregard the previous email. I must have clicked send instead of delete. Sorry!
Re: Re: Re: Re: Maintenance Request: Welder Hall Laundry Room
No worries. Disregarded 🙂
SUBJECT LINE: Follow my blog!
Greetings everyone,
I made a blog. Feel free to follow it or whatever.
Enjoy.
[Website link: Blog titled “No Pain Stain Removal: The Blog”]
Re: Follow my blog!
Followed! Do you have any advice for the mold in the laundry room?
Best,
Wes
Re: Re: Follow my blog!
Greetings Wes,
That, I have nothing for.
SUBJECT LINE: Fwd: Operating System Manual: Washer and Dryer Unit, Stackable
Hi all!
Here’s the manual for the laundry units. Let me know if you have any questions!
Thanks for purchasing. It’s always great to see a well-loved unit go to a place that will appreciate it just as much.
——–Begin forwarded message——–
Laundry Unit: Washer and Dryer, Stackable
Fulfills all of your laundry needs! Washes AND dries your clothes (not at the same time).
**Note: Includes two separate washer and dryer units, sold in a pack of two. Do not separate.
Please leave sufficient space on each side and behind the unit for hose connections and ventilation. Each machine has its own plug.
Some units may come with //system defects// that cause [REDACTED]. However, our testing facilities have confirmed that the integrity of the [REDACTED] should still be assured, even if your [REDACTED] fails!
Each unit has its own unique personality and flair! For smooth operation, make sure to ask your unit its tendencies before use. Otherwise, you may risk [REDACTED] [REDACTED].
Laundry Unit # 237819 is prone to [REDACTED]. To ensure your machine remains at optimal operating capacity, be sure to service your unit at least once triannually through one of our skilled repair personnel.
However, if you find that your unit has been [REDACTED], do not call our service number. There is nothing that can be done. The rot will spread either way.
Author’s Note: (1) Stain removal tips are borrowed from Stain Solutions, a web resource hosted under the University of Illinois Extension. (2) The mold appearing in this story is loosely based on Physarum polycephalum, a slime mold. It’s a giant, yellow, unicellular organism – neither a plant, animal, nor fungus – known for its ability to solve mazes and its taste for oats (and dislike of salt). Though sources say P. polycephalum is found on forest floors decomposing leaves and bark, this “rot” (if you can call it that) is more well-known for being used in scientific studies about cognition. The world is full of strange and wonderful things; I just write emails. (3) The mold referenced in the class survey form is an actual slime mold: Lycogala epidendrum, commonly known as wolf’s milk, which grows on rotten wood and looks like little pink balls that ooze paste when popped. (4) This is a work of fiction. Any similarities to persons, places, or actual events is (mostly) coincidental. No laundry units were harmed in the making of this short fiction.
Detailed Content Warnings:
Mold: Multiple references and depictions of mold growing in rooms, wood, and clothing. Implied throughout the story. Specific descriptions in “SUBJECT LINE: Inquiry about mold in Laundry room,” “SUBJECT LINE: Orange juice stain and laundry poster,” “SUBJECT LINE: Fall sale slides,” and “SUBJECT LINE: Please fill out my survey for class!”
A character goes missing and authorities avoid questions about it: A character disappears partway through the story. Their roommates ask about them but are unable receive answers through public channels. The subject of “SUBJECT LINE: 👁👁🔎❓🔎❓” and “SUBJECT LINE: Important !”.
Authorities neglecting building safety and disregarding resident concerns: Implied throughout the story. It is left ambiguous whether this is out of negligence or intentional malice. Particularly implied in any of the sections ending with “Best, The Welder Hall College Staff” and “SUBJECT LINE: Re: Maintenance Request”.
Mentions of cleaning blood stains: There is a poster with information on how to clean blood stains, and a character asks about how to clean blood stains from clothing. Appears in “SUBJECT LINE: Orange juice stain and laundry poster” and “SUBJECT LINE: Hypothetical scenario”.
Implied gore involving a washing machine; not described. Mentioned in the section following “Socks still missing, please return”.
Theft of personal property: A large number of socks go missing. The character whose socks are missing asks after them multiple times, to no response. The subject of any section ending with “All my best, My.”